I was once a child that lived in a very strict household - the environment has to be immaculately clean, the children must be decent and proper. To the outsiders, our household appeared to be the perfect family. But for a child who did not thrive very well in orderly and regimented environments, I suffered tremendously.
I've always thought that God had a great sense of humour, and that is especially true when I noticed that he placed me in a family where it was ruled by a motherly figure who was overpowering, controlling in every which way and extremely concerned about the "order" of things. I would be fine if I were the submissive type; but as luck would have it, I did not respond very well to order and especially not to cleanliness. I was creative and I enjoyed chaos, which did not help very much when I tried to rebel against the family concentration camp.
There was a regimented order as prescribed by my mother -Monday to Friday - study, homework, piano lessons and if I do not complete any of these tasks to her satisfaction, I would have to stay up late until I get them done. That's right - I never had the opportunity to sleep enough as a child because tasks had to be done. On Saturdays, we get a bit of a break because she would be out and about going to the salon; but a break for us still meant work - I had to go to church, followed by piano.
On Sundays, we would continue the same rule only in a more concentrated manner. Study, work, work some more on homework and prepare for the coming week. I was never taught to relax and that got to the better of me by the time I reached adulthood. And the thought of Sundays, or a recognized holiday for "relaxation" for me never worked out very well.
It's like an addiction that's hard to get rid of. An addiction of sorts that's fuelled more by habit than by desire. I sometimes feel guilty when I don't work and that propelled me to do more work. Which, according to some people, is a very bad habit.
Taking all that into consideration, I turned to my inner self for advice. I found that I had no sense of understanding of what happiness is. Of course, reading about it in philosophy books helped a certain extent. But it was never clear to me how it mattered in my life. I thought that work was happiness, as what my mother had taught me ever since I was a child. But my inner self told me something otherwise - that I was and never have been happy with myself. Something was wrong. Something needed to change.
And so, early 2009 - I've made a promise to myself that I need to start learning how to be happy. Because I have never been happy in my life. I realized that I did little for myself in my life. What I did, mostly, was for the happiness of others. My method of happiness, was of course, something I learnt so well from mother. But because I had no other role model in my life that I looked up to (I never identified myself with anyone except for fictitious characters that lived on ideals). As a result, I had to re-define my own happiness through a thought process.
The thought process was painful, and it took months. But in realizing that my focus needed to be on myself, I asked myself what I needed and what I wanted in life. I definitely did not want to be stuck in work but I do want to make a difference to the world with my capabilities. I do not want to be monotonous in life but I needed a different life purpose. In the interim, I made a series of drastic changes:
a. I stopped considering work as priority
b. I started looking at myself in the mirror and I told myself that work does not define me.
c. I travelled, mostly by myself
d. I began partying
e. I trained for a 10 mile run, am training for a marathon and triathlon
f. I'm moving out of Canada because I realized that Toronto is too boring for me and I need to get out of here ASAP
These actions changed my life drastically, although at times I am still eclipsed by the sense of sadness that often trailed me everywhere I went. But in looking back, 2009 has been good to me. I learnt about myself and I am doing something for myself, which I was never provided the opportunity to do so as I grew up.
I am now 29 going 30. Nothing can stop me anymore. I will continue to move on life - refusing to confine without reason. Not anymore.
It's like an addiction that's hard to get rid of. An addiction of sorts that's fuelled more by habit than by desire. I sometimes feel guilty when I don't work and that propelled me to do more work. Which, according to some people, is a very bad habit.
Taking all that into consideration, I turned to my inner self for advice. I found that I had no sense of understanding of what happiness is. Of course, reading about it in philosophy books helped a certain extent. But it was never clear to me how it mattered in my life. I thought that work was happiness, as what my mother had taught me ever since I was a child. But my inner self told me something otherwise - that I was and never have been happy with myself. Something was wrong. Something needed to change.
And so, early 2009 - I've made a promise to myself that I need to start learning how to be happy. Because I have never been happy in my life. I realized that I did little for myself in my life. What I did, mostly, was for the happiness of others. My method of happiness, was of course, something I learnt so well from mother. But because I had no other role model in my life that I looked up to (I never identified myself with anyone except for fictitious characters that lived on ideals). As a result, I had to re-define my own happiness through a thought process.
The thought process was painful, and it took months. But in realizing that my focus needed to be on myself, I asked myself what I needed and what I wanted in life. I definitely did not want to be stuck in work but I do want to make a difference to the world with my capabilities. I do not want to be monotonous in life but I needed a different life purpose. In the interim, I made a series of drastic changes:
a. I stopped considering work as priority
b. I started looking at myself in the mirror and I told myself that work does not define me.
c. I travelled, mostly by myself
d. I began partying
e. I trained for a 10 mile run, am training for a marathon and triathlon
f. I'm moving out of Canada because I realized that Toronto is too boring for me and I need to get out of here ASAP
These actions changed my life drastically, although at times I am still eclipsed by the sense of sadness that often trailed me everywhere I went. But in looking back, 2009 has been good to me. I learnt about myself and I am doing something for myself, which I was never provided the opportunity to do so as I grew up.
I am now 29 going 30. Nothing can stop me anymore. I will continue to move on life - refusing to confine without reason. Not anymore.
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