Where have I been hiding??
So really, where?? Truth of the matter is, I have not been hiding. I think it's only because people have stopped asking me for help..or need me. Hence my existence did not register for a few months. It all started something like this...(fade in, blurry blurry vision, and we're staring at the past)
Flip flip flip through my outlook why don't we, and notice something? That other than 3-4 close people I see on a regular basis, I have not had parties, have not hung out with anyone in months! Yes, I have finally mutated into a living breathing hermit crab..my skin has been peeling off like scales and I have been painfully scraping them off to make way for my shell. Some people at work started asking if I am developing a really bad case of eczema...or have I been drinking that black gunk from the aliens in District 9.
Ok, all that scif-fi crap aside - there's no rhyme or reason why I have no parties to go to, and no one to hang out with. But I've since cooked up a reason which probably is going to make me feel better - I stopped looking to hang out with people...and I ended up not hanging out with anyone because I no longer appear to want to hang out anymore. So people stopped asking.
It's really like hurting cats, you see. People often ask if I wanted to hang out, if I wanted to get together and do something. I ignored most of it for the umpteenth degree and I let the appointment slide. I don't know why that is but I just don't feel like hanging out with anyone. But then after rejecting (or more like ignoring), I complain about nobody caring about me. It's like I chopped my hand off and I complain about the pain and inconvenience it caused me...without even hesitating to think that I inflicted it on myself...
I even went as far as diagnosing myself with having the ultimate, cool illness of having Asperger's. That way I can explain to people why I really really don't have an innate sense to hang out in the past few months...it's not because I don't like to, it's because no matter how much I tried I feel like I'm not getting there...cos i have an illness..a strong anxiety prior to socializing. And hey, maybe that's the case because I've often felt nervous prior to hanging out with any large group (a symptom!). What's sweet too is that people with Asperger's are highly intelligent, and people take the extra effort to become friends with someone who has high functioning autism. All in all a win win situation for me because it describes me to the tee (ha ha) and I don't need to change myself to fit into the social scene. I could just be...well the person with the Asperger's (awwww) so I am trying my best to show up, and when I do you better appreciate it. Not a bad idea at all!!
Blurry blurry vision, back to reality - so here I am, writing about why or how to rationalize why I was off the grid for a few months. And perhaps this trend will continue, or it will just go away and I'll be a happy jolly person again. Experience tells me it's not really going to. So unfortunately, I'm just going to have to continue dealing with the solitude I'm so used to having, perhaps with a bit of social life here and there....and that is until I get what I want!!
So really, where?? Truth of the matter is, I have not been hiding. I think it's only because people have stopped asking me for help..or need me. Hence my existence did not register for a few months. It all started something like this...(fade in, blurry blurry vision, and we're staring at the past)
Flip flip flip through my outlook why don't we, and notice something? That other than 3-4 close people I see on a regular basis, I have not had parties, have not hung out with anyone in months! Yes, I have finally mutated into a living breathing hermit crab..my skin has been peeling off like scales and I have been painfully scraping them off to make way for my shell. Some people at work started asking if I am developing a really bad case of eczema...or have I been drinking that black gunk from the aliens in District 9.
Ok, all that scif-fi crap aside - there's no rhyme or reason why I have no parties to go to, and no one to hang out with. But I've since cooked up a reason which probably is going to make me feel better - I stopped looking to hang out with people...and I ended up not hanging out with anyone because I no longer appear to want to hang out anymore. So people stopped asking.
It's really like hurting cats, you see. People often ask if I wanted to hang out, if I wanted to get together and do something. I ignored most of it for the umpteenth degree and I let the appointment slide. I don't know why that is but I just don't feel like hanging out with anyone. But then after rejecting (or more like ignoring), I complain about nobody caring about me. It's like I chopped my hand off and I complain about the pain and inconvenience it caused me...without even hesitating to think that I inflicted it on myself...
I even went as far as diagnosing myself with having the ultimate, cool illness of having Asperger's. That way I can explain to people why I really really don't have an innate sense to hang out in the past few months...it's not because I don't like to, it's because no matter how much I tried I feel like I'm not getting there...cos i have an illness..a strong anxiety prior to socializing. And hey, maybe that's the case because I've often felt nervous prior to hanging out with any large group (a symptom!). What's sweet too is that people with Asperger's are highly intelligent, and people take the extra effort to become friends with someone who has high functioning autism. All in all a win win situation for me because it describes me to the tee (ha ha) and I don't need to change myself to fit into the social scene. I could just be...well the person with the Asperger's (awwww) so I am trying my best to show up, and when I do you better appreciate it. Not a bad idea at all!!
Blurry blurry vision, back to reality - so here I am, writing about why or how to rationalize why I was off the grid for a few months. And perhaps this trend will continue, or it will just go away and I'll be a happy jolly person again. Experience tells me it's not really going to. So unfortunately, I'm just going to have to continue dealing with the solitude I'm so used to having, perhaps with a bit of social life here and there....and that is until I get what I want!!
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